dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
BRING THE BAGELS
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
