you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
