At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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