I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
