how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
There's always time for handjobs
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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