dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
