Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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