I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
