I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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