I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
