You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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