I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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