so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
