: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
