when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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