someone owes me an orgasm
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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