imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
