What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
