No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
