the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
