I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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