I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
