So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
