Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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