I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
