Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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