I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
