Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
