then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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