So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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