If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
