I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
