Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
