you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
