I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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