he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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