i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
