Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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