It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
