the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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