Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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