is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
