I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
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my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
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This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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