u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize