Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
