So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
im calling her cock vulture from now on
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
