Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She bit a glass in half.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
