The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
