what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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