I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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