also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
