i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
