I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
