He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
