well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
