my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.