just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
All the doctor said was why
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
