I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's blow job season.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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