I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
