My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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